The Apprentice: has the world gone mad?

9 Dec

Now, we understand that a 12-week “job interview from hell” must take its toll. But does that really explain the madness of last night’s Apprentice? Yes, it seems no-one was beyond the realms of insanity in the latest tour bus task.

Tourists were not in the mood for a Cockney knees-up (Credit: BBC)

Liz tried to pull off Cockney impersonations (as we’ve established, she is in fact Footballers’ Wives Susie Amy and acting was never her strong point). Jamie thrilled tourists with his inside knowledge of Westminster Abbey: “It’s a church”. And Chris broke away from his trademark monotone to shower Stuart with expletives. Even level-headed Stella was reduced to singing a degrading rendition of Old Mother Brown.

But, as always, Stuart stole the show. Yes, after wooing tourists with lines such as “have a bite of my jellied eels” and charging them £35 for the privilege, we thought his time was up. This was, of course, before the boardroom speech of a lifetime.

“I’m not a one-trick pony. I’m not even a ten-trick pony. I’ve got a field full of ponies” – wise words from Stuart Baggs

Yes, the 21-year-old brand pulled out all the stops to secure his place in next week’s interviews. He regaled Sir Alan with tales of horses, declaring he was not just a one-trick pony but a “field full of ponies”. Even his shameful yo-yo antics came out of the closet, as he revealed the only money he’d ever taken from his parents was for yo-yo stock. Oh, and he’s going to start up a new company for Sir Alan (clearly not a fan of dodgy Amstrad electrics, then).

It was enough to leave us all feeling a little bemused. But while ponies and yo-yos may have confused us mere mortals, he was clearly talking Sir Alan’s language. “It makes sense to me,” he told Stuart, as Liz faced the full force of the tycoon’s index finger.

So, as Stuart survives another week, we’re left wondering if there’s anything the young whippersnapper can’t do. If his bewildering patter does make him the next Apprentice, here are a few suggestions of what his next venture with Sir Alan may involve:

  • Translation service: As we’ve seen, Stuart is the master of many tongues. Whether it be French, German or Cockney, the brand can adapt himself to any given situation with a simple “Das ist wunderbar” or inconspicuous beret.
  • Diplomatic relations: Stuart’s diplomacy skills may be a little on the unusual side, but we can’t help marvelling at how his management style hasn’t incurred so much as a black eye. Reverse psychology proved to be his forté last night, as he told Chris, “Go on, hit me then,” and asked the tourist information office to report him to the police. Remarkably, neither happened. We believe he could use these skills to achieve feats such as Middle Eastern peace and a ceasefire between X Factor feuding couple Simon and Louis.
  • Horse racing: Livestock is one area Sir Alan hasn’t dabbled in, but Stuart has a field full of ponies to offer. Plus his canny intuition and knack for triumphing against the odds mean he will always back the winner.

Of course, all this will come under Stuart’s unmistakable brand trademark. Unfortunately, previews of next week’s interview suggest the Baggs brand is still not recognised by everyone…


One Response to “The Apprentice: has the world gone mad?”

  1. Tim December 9, 2010 at 3:21 pm #

    Life imitates art – Liz is engaged to Wolves goalie Wayne Hennessey. I can’t help but think that Sugar would have been aware of this and it contributed to him firing her.

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